End of the Year and 1 Pound Short!

As readers of my musings know, I believe it takes 7 steps to accomplish anything. Of course, Professor Javier Boleyn has proven me wrong with regard to the process of removing LARD! from one's body: that requires only the 2 steps that he preaches in his latest book, Body by Boleyn: 2 Steps to Letting Vanity Be Thy Name!






However, not withstanding the 2 Step Diet, for the last 5 months, on every day that I was able, I followed 7 Steps to Assessment:
1. Pull scale away from the wall.
2. Take off clothes.
3. Tap scale with toe to activate.
4. Wait for three zeros to appear on the display.
5. Suck in everything to assume the skinniest possible pose.
6. Close eyes and step on scale. Mutter a quick prayer to the anti-LARD!
7. Open eyes, observe result.




Today was no exception. Damn, 1 pound short of a pail-and-a-half! But, even though I'm tremendously disappointed at not being able to post the much-sought-after one-and-a-half pail icon, I am determined to continue. My goal? Six-and-a-half more pounds by the time I have an appointment with Dr. Rachel S. Graves, MD at the end of January. She will look at me, look at her laptop screen, look back at me, look back at the laptop, then she will put her hands on the table and smile a Dr. Rachel S. Graves, MD smile and say, "Well, you have really lost some weight! Great! [Aside to herself, I don't know why he didn't take my medical advice 3 years ago] You must feel a lot better!" At which point, I, Jack D'Mestiere, will look at her and say, "I didn't feel bad before Dr. Rachel S. Graves, MD, this is all about vanity! Haven't you read Professor Javier Boleyn?" Then I will wink. Then Ryman is sitting on Fiora's head in the bed and she's telling me I have to get up and feed the damned cat. Poof! The dream always ends at the same place. I wonder what will happen? Will Dr. Rachel S. Graves, MD declare me Patient of the Year and award me a blue ribbon? I'd rather have a Tricerahops...but that would earn me a "Tsk Tsk."

LARD! is all around me, it's everywhere I go...

I'll tell you, it's not been easy this past month what with one party after another. And it's not going to be any easier this next month. So, even though the War on LARD! has become either trench warfare on the Western Front, or winter on the Eastern, I'm determined to see it through to its full 2-pail promise. This is the time, the time, I say, to stare LARD! in the face and watch it melt away like the Wicked Witch of the West! Bills, do your magic for me please!

The Javier Boleyn Lunch

Hope to have an update soon. Challenging time--Thanksgiving and a trip to the Valley of Kielbasa and Beer...

War on LARD!: Photographic Evidence that the 2-Step DUH! Diet Works

The blower jangled me out of a dream of a baguette, slathered with butter, a nice plate of French cold cuts, and a cinquante de vin rouge. "Jackie-boy, Professor Javier Boleyn here. I'm looking for illustrations for my new book, Looming Small: The New, Improved 2-Step DUH! Diet. Can you help me out?" The dream poofed away like on a Saturday morning cartoon show. I let it rest how there could be a new and improved 2-Step diet..."I think I can help you..."







.....July 21 ........September 24

Jack's Lard Status

The LARD-o-Meter will appear at the top of the blog. For the most recent post, look below the LARD-o-Meter...


The Goal





Current Status:



3/4s of a pail to go!

War on LARD!: Has Gravity Changed or What?

I looked down. The lights on the scale flickered, then settled down. "Whew! I thought it was never going to happen! Another quarter-pail..." Dolly-girl called out as she walked by, "Way to go, Jack. Keep working at it. You'll get there sooner or later." "Wail! But I want it to be sooner!" She shot me one through the wave. "Why? Didn't you tell me this was the last time you were doing this? Do you want to get there sooner so you can go find all that LARD! you lost and slap it back on? Just get used to it, Jack, this is a life-long war against an insurgency. Remember how those civil rights workers fought for decades and never gave up..." Wail! She's right. What do I care how long it takes? I can't just get to the end and then start back up. Still, maybe I could have a piece of black licorice or a gelato...



She continued. "Give yourself a pat on what-used-to-be-your-gut, Jack. You're looking trim, well at least compared to the FatJack I knew and loved. And besides, you've been on the road talking with people that needed talking with and when you're bringing home the bacon it's hard to lose the LARD!" She's right, a usual. Ordering endless chicken Caesar salads isn't enough--I have to ask for dressing on the side. But if it's on the side is it really a Caesar salad? Of course, Caesar never tossed a chicken on his either.



She wasn't done. "And remember, you're back in the You-Ess-of-A where portions are delivered by dump trucks instead of garçons. When we were Over There, the feedbags were a lot smaller than they are over here and you didn't see many Dough-boys walking around if you get my drift." I did. Still more. "And, I was there to give you a shot through the wave when you might have been a tempted to have 'just one litttttllle piece of that lemon torte..." "Right again, Dolly-girl. I may have--no, I DID--eat gobs of guacamole that came with the world's best halibut taco at the Hangar on the Wharf Pub & Grill in Juneau, Alaska." She nodded and crossed her arms. Her toe tapped.





Bill, croon in my ear...LARD! is all around me... And other Bill, stay in the news so I see you all the time and be inspired. Keep me on the straight and narrow path, Bills!

War on LARD! Update: Adaptive Management

A bird chirp finally put me over the edge from drowsing to awake. I reviewed my system status: Breathing? Check. Eyes working? Check. Ears? "Mumph," I heard Dolly-girl react to me moving. Check. LARD! I don't know, feeling thin. The scale will tell.






I hopped up and headed for the scale, remembering to stop along the way--"A pint's a pound the world around--no sense in carrying extra water..." I stepped on the scale and stood at attention, trying to feel as thin as possible, sucking in my gut and standing up straight. I assumed the "This has to make me weigh less" posture. I looked down. The lights on the scale flicked while it tried to make up its mind how much I weighed like the reels on a slot machine when it's trying to decide that you lose. The numbers flashed. "Wail!" Same weight. Same weight for almost a week. "Wail!" Dolly-girl heard my sobs. "For the sake of Sam, Jack, will you put a cork in your pie-hole. I'm sleeping--or trying to--here."




This called for action. I used a LARD! Line and picked up the phone. Surely Javier Boleyn, the creator of the 2-Step DUH! Diet would be able to tell me what to do. "Javier Boleyn here. Who are you and why are you wailing?" "Professor Boleyn, it's I, Jack D'Mestiere. I need help." "Ah, yes. Jackie-boy. Why do you wail so? Has Fiora broken your heart? Are you calling to order a copy of my new best-seller, Losing LARD! for Love?"



It wasn't the book I was after. I started. I filled him in on my success to date--over a pail of LARD! driven to oblivion through my warfare. I amazed him with tales of actually defeating LARD! on its sacred turf--France. But now, over 5 days without so much as a tiny portion of schmaltz leaving my body. Wail!



"Stop your blubbering and let's get to the bottom of this mystery, Jackie-boy. Are you sure you are following the diet?" "YES!" "To the letter?" "Er, ah..." "Ah ha. What is it? An extra Finn Crisp? An entire grape? Not being tempted by baguettes and cheese are you?" "Well, maybe I have been taking 5 almonds instead of three..." "That's how it starts, Jackie-boy. And I'll bet you've parked your LARD! ass back in that office chair. You know, in France, even when you were traveling, you and Fiora were still spending a good deal of time on, what is that quaint term you use...?" "Shank's mare." "...Yes, that's it, shank's mare. Quaint. Remind me never to say it again. You simply are moving less than you were, and by your honest account, perhaps eating a bit more. You've switched the less and more in the 2-Step DUH! Diet equation." My head snapped to the right as reality landed a haymaker to my jaw. An almond popped out of my mouth. Busted.



He continued. "Well, Jackie-boy, you've discovered two things. A) LARD! wears you down. It becomes harder and harder to resist its siren call. And second, you have discovered the feedback loop, and a negative one at that. The more LARD! you give up, the less LARD! it takes to sustain you." I could figure that one out, and it meant no good news for me.


"Jackie-boy...wait, I shouldn't have to tell you this. Aren't you a proponent and practitioner of adaptive management or environmental management systems? Weren't you a simulation modeler? Does the cycle, 'Plan Do Check Act' mean anything to you at all?" "Wail! Oh this is bad news." "Yes, I think you know that you are ready for phase II of the Duh! diet. It's very simple. I want you to insert one word in each step. I want you to put the word, even in front of the words less and more." "Wail!" "You must do it, lad; the alternative is LARD!" I thanked him, replaced the blower on the hook, looked at Dolly-girl, and wailed.



My blubbering continued until reality flashed in front of my eyes again, this time in the form of Dolly-girl tossing a glass of water in my face. "Snap out of it, Jack!" She sounded like Loretta Castorini yelling at Ronnie Cammareri. Wail!

OK, I've summoned Bill to croon in my ear as I complete the first adaptive management cycle and implement the new, improved, 2-Step + DUH! Diet:

Eat even less! Move even more!

Javier Boleyn's 2-Step DUH! Diet: It must be true, it's peer-reviewed!

DUH! In the October issue of Medicine and Science in Sports and Exercise, Professor David Bassett and colleagues at the University of Tennessee, Knoxville report that American adults walk less than adults in countries with lower rates of obesity. According to USA Today, that respected fountain of knowledge:

"What to do? Take two steps, researchers advise:

•Add 3,000 to 4,000 steps a day (2,000 steps is a mile).

•Decrease calories to prevent weight gain as you grow older, an approach advocated by the International Obesity Task Force and America on the Move. James Hill, who is founder of America on the Move, co-wrote the study."

I believe, DUH! that this translates to Move More--Eat Less, the reverse of Javier Boleyn's 2-Step DUH! Diet. But this version is peer-reviewed and in a semi-prestigious journal, as indicated by its impact factor of 3.707.

Now, I've published some things that weren't exactly ground-breaking, but talk about a blinding flash of the obvious...

War on LARD!: Returning to Home Soil

Well, the War on LARD! has returned to its native soil, and not a moment to soon, apparently. The United States Government issued a warning today, stating "U.S. citizens should take every precaution to be aware of their surroundings and to adopt appropriate safety measures to protect themselves when traveling." Obviously, they are taking note of the intelligence I gathered on the ready availability of Weapons of Mass Accumulation (WMA) in the nation of France.




Remember this one, for instance? Roti-Poulet, spit-broiled chicken with potatoes roasted in the drippings. A WMA if I've ever seen one. I suspect that Secretary Clinton is keenly aware of the potential of this threat given that President Bill Clinton is a key talisman in Jack's War on LARD! While I have not been directly in contact with Madam Secretary, I have noted visitors to the War on LARD! War Room from Our Nation's Capital.



However, even in the face of this heightened alert, I'm pleased to report continued progress in the War on LARD! Through vigilance and, if I say so myself, discipline (note the plate to the left with evidence of a) a fish that was not fried and b) left-over rice), I arrived home having lost an additional 2 pints of LARD! since the last update. I will point out that the United States Government is calling for exactly those precautions for travelers, well at least one of them, according to USA Today, which must be a respected news source since it is passed out for free in almost every hotel in the USA: "The Obama administration on Sunday warned Americans ... and urged them to be vigilant in public places, including tourist spots and transportation hubs."


D'Mestiere Investigations recently discovered (and passed the intel, as we call it, on) that tourist spots and transportation hubs are known depots for WMAs. The safety measures referred to, I assume, mean increased dosages of Lipator®. ("Talk to your doctor about high cholesterol and your treatment options. And ask if LIPITOR is right for you.") Oh, and if you eat desserts for more than 4 hours straight, seek immediate medical attention.





As a scientist, I cannot rule out divine intervention as a result of visits to Sacre Coeur and Lourdes, however, a benevolent God would just lift the LARD! and have it done with, wouldn't he? Well, maybe there's that whole suffering thing. I do keep waiting for a sign, such as the appearance of dietary stigmata, which I expect would be small holes in my gut that leak a constant, albeit small, quantity of liquefied LARD!





But, in the spirit of full disclosure (the scientist) and fervent confession (still hoping for the LARD!-mata), I did succumb to the siren song of Roti-Poulet. In fact, I made a last minute, afternoon trip to Paris when Dolly-girl was sick. "I'll pick up some dinner, don't you worry your hacking-little-head." That got me a whoan (a simultaneous whine and moan) under the wave. Well, sir, it was that Roti-Poulet whispering in my ear..."C'est votre dernière chance."

The last look at Paris was worth it, but the Roti-Poulet was just a siren trying to lead me to the rocks. No dice!

War on LARD! Update: A Progress Report from Médoc

I know what you are expecting, and I'm disappointed myself. Almost 3 weeks in France has taken a toll. The bread, the wine, the seafood, the pastries...LIKE HELL! Jack gives no quarter to the magnificent French food. I've been sampling it, but in small quantities--well, except maybe for les vin--it is vacation after all.






But I was pleasantly surprised when I stepped on a scale and:










That equals more than 1 full pail!