Waddling Towards Fitness: Closing in on Half a Pail!

Close call today! I stopped at Caffe Viale's new street-side coffee joint on 5th at Salmon. Very cool--built into an old (vintage 1970s) Tri-Met Bus Shelter. As is the case when one is fighting an insurgency, a minuscule lapse can be dangerous. Yes, I was attacked by an IFD--Improvised Fattening Device. A pasty tried to jump into my mouth, but, being ever vigilant, I fended it off with a series of lightning-quick jujitsu moves. It fell harmlessly, for me, into the hands of the next-in-line. But, for those of you who aren't battling LARD!, Caffe Viale has the best soup and panini in town for my Lire! And friendly people, too!

As of today, I've shed 1.71 gallons of LARD!, earning me 13.7 pints and putting me in striking distance of my next 1/4 pail. I hope to update the status board soon!

Waddling Towards Fitness: LARD is ALL Around me

Every once in a whatever, I need to come North of the Border to talk with some people that need talking to. As I waddled to the flight north today, I realized that this is as close as I will get to my beloved Coffee Crisp. Tim Horton's? Not a cracklins chance in a pot of boiling LARD!






Bill, I need your help! Talk me down! Give me strength! Sing LARD is All Around Me! ...Find something lean to cook!

OK ,I'm off the ledge. I found a Safeway and got some Wasa Bread (no Finn Crisp available, Javier), some carrots, and smoked almonds which are a steal, by the way at 6 calories per nut. Whew, a magazine of bullets dodged. LARD IS all around me...

War on LARD Update

People ask me, "Jack, how do you do it?" I'm happy to share. Readers of my other blog will recall Javier Boleyn, a pal-o-Dolly-girl's and mine that we take in the Bard from time-to-time with. Well, Javier has kept himself slim and trim all these years. I asked him for his secret.

"Jackie-boy," he calls me Jackie-boy to go along with Dolly-girl, "I'll tell you how I do it. I call it the 2-Step DUH! Diet. It's copyrighted, by the way. It used to be a 1-Step Diet, but nothing will sell that has just one step, so I changed it to 2-Step.

"Now I'm going to tell you the 2-Step DUH! Diet, Jackie-boy, so listen close." I did.




"Step 1: Eat Less." "Easy enough," I thought, but then realized that eating less meant, well, eating less. "OK, I'm ready for Step 2."



"Step 2: Move more." I groaned. "That's it," he said. "Guaranteed to work."




Damn, I knew there was a catch. I thought through the steps again, turning them over and over. I tried to turn Javier's DUH! Diet into 7 Steps--I like things to have 7 steps. I couldn't make it work. There was a paradox. My entire exercise program consists of either waddling to the kitchen to get seconds and thirds or waddling to and from great Stumptown eateries, as all of you who read my other blog know I like to do. "How is it that I am supposed to effectuate both steps?" I asked.






"Simple, Jackie-boy, simple." Javier was about to explain. "Whilst reducing one's intake, one has to increase one's non-food related exercise. I, myself, took up hiking in the mountains. Why just today, upon completing a 17 and one-quarter mile hike before breakfast, I settled down at my table and enjoyed my usual morning repast of a Finn Crisp and half of a grape. That should hold me through my morning calisthenics routine."

Oh boy, this is going to be tougher than I thought. DUH!



Since last I wrote I've lost another 2 and a half pints bringing the total to 9.4 pints or 1.16 gallons. I need to lose another 6 and 3/4 pints to earn my second quarter pail on the LARD-o-Meter. I'm am, however, half way to my goal of losing 15 pounds of LARD before leaving for France on September 6. It's going to be a challenge--I have a lot of business travel between now and then, so I guess it will have to be eternal vigilance and salad.

Waddling Towards Fitness: Update, August 7, 2010

Pictured to the left is a 25 pound pail of LARD. Half of the total amount of LARD that I'm committed to lose as I Waddle Towards Fitness. According to a supposedly trustworthy site on the interwebs, LARD has a density of 0.772 g per ml which converts to 6.42 pounds per gallon. That makes that about a 4 gallon pail. So I need to lose 8 gallons of LARD off my LARD-ASS body.





So far, I'm happy to report, since Sunday last, I've lost 6.8 pints of LARD--that's about 0.85 gallons.








It's not easy. LARD is all around me. Ooo, that's close to the Troggs' song that Bill Nighy parodied in Love Actually, one of my favorite sappy romantic comedies.
I feel it in my fingers
I feel it in my toes
The LARD that's all around me
And so the waistline grows

It's hanging all around me
It's everywhere I look
So if you want cardiac fitness
Find something lean to cook...




However, I will triumph over LARD, even as it tempts and attacks me. And a pail of Armour LARD and Bill Nighy are going to be my talismans!

Waddling Towards Europe: New Bill Clinton-Inspired Dedication

Well, I see it's been some time since I wrote about waddling toward fitness. That's because...I'm FIT! Wrongo. That's a lie. No way. No how. Actually, I haven't written because I haven't been very good about my attempts to lose weight and get fit. That seems to happen in the summer when we have yard work to do instead of free time to walk everywhere.

But look at me! Disgusting--I'm as fat as the hog I was eating that night and, by the way, that's not a lite beer in my hand.




However, I took note of the frenzy over Chelsea Clinton's wedding, including the newly-trim Father-of-the-Bride-former-President-of-these-United-States-and-current-husband-of-the-Secretary-of-State. I mean, look at him. Down right rail-like. Apparently he became so under orders from his daughter. I suspect a personal trainer was involved as well. And a chef.

So, it is with renewed vigor that I promise to get back to it and lose some weight--how about a goal of 15 pounds--before we leave for Europe on September 6. 15 pounds in 35 days. I can do it!