Waddling Through March: The Results Are IN!

158.3 miles on 26 walks--26 days out of 31. Take that, Professor Javier Boleyn!

Beaumont-Wilshire: Where the Kids on Alberta Think We Live

As you may know, me and Dolly-girl set our brake in the part of town that is just about smack-dab on the convergence of Woodlawn, Vernon, and Concordia--let's call in Woodnoncordia. Actually, I can call it anything I want since you don't care and are just wondering where I'm going with this anyway. Well, here's were I'm going. Beaumont-Wilshire. "Hey, Dolly-girl, I'm off on my waddle. See you in a couple hours." "Give my regards to Radio Room, Jack." I headed out the door, turned right, then left then right then left, and before you know it, I'd passed the Alberta Arts district, which is a young hipsters' hang-out and was in Beaumont-Wilshire, which is not, as evidenced by the sign to the left. This is where the young hipsters who hang out in the Alberta Arts district think me and Dolly-girl live.




Woodnoncordia is close to the Alberta Arts district. That's where you see things like in the Kodaks to the left. Not things like "The Arrangement."






Beaumont-Wilshire's got themselves one of those Starbucks places that you definitely do not, and I mean DO NOT see in the Alberta Arts district, thank the Lord. I did notice that they had a couple joints like what you might of seen where Dolly-girl set the brake on her pram. And I noticed that they have a joint that is making beer and selling it too.










I turned left and waddled south from Beaumont-Wilshire past rows of neat houses with Subarus and Hondas, you know, the sort of houses and cars that the young hipsters in the Alberta Arts district think me and Dolly-girl live in and drive but which we don't. Before long, I was down the ridge and into what people in Portland call the Hollywood District, I think because there is a giant movie marquee that says "Hollywood" rather than because they make movies and have a lot of stars hanging around. Anyhoo, Hollywood is where you go if you want to find someone who knows how to plant you the old fashioned way--The Ross Hollywood Chapel, which is just another way to say Funerals and Cremations, which it says in the small print on their sign. I never realized that the two were, what would Dolly-girl call it, umm, mutually exclusive. Yes, that's what she would say.



I waddled on down Sandy Boulevard, noticing the extent of what I call "urban fragmentation" but I'm pretty sure people who study "urban fragmentation" don't. By "urban fragmentation" I mean how you can end up with a bunch of short blocks and wide streets and crossing lights that really slow a waddler down when a guy is trying to maintain a 4 mile-per-hour pace. I'm not sure what all those scholarly papers on "urban fragmentation" are about...





I saw a few more interesting things, like this guy whose job it is to dress up like the Statue of Liberty and wave a sign at people to try and get them to just stop in to have their taxes done on a whim I guess. I didn't stop. Didn't look like anyone else was either. Not a heck of a lot of resemblance between the tax-service guy and La Liberté éclairant le monde, but it made me really glad that I didn't have his job. Might have been a her, but I think it was a guy based on the fact that he put the "OPEN EARLY" sign down upside down while adjusting his rays and I think a girl would have put it down right-side-up. Just a gut feeling. Statue of Liberty photo © somebody else on Wikipedia




I waddled past Tony Starlight's, subject of a previous writing of mine, and the place where me and Dolly-girl and some others are headed on St. Paddy's Day.








Finally, I'd waddled full circle and was right back to the Alberta Arts district where the young hipsters don't think we live near to but we do. I was cruising along, headed for that pot-o-gold known as India Pale Ale at the end of the Radio Room Rainbow when my eyes spied something and my head jerked around like I'd been hit with a left hook. I knew Dolly-girl took that Banksy movie to seriously...

Dispatch from the Beluga Slim Fitness Center: Waddling Through February

The blower sparked. Dolly-girl was right on it seeing as how she'd been talking Long Distance to Inebriata Beech about this and that. "Yallow. Yep. Yep. And a howdy-do right back at you. Hold the line. I'll get him. JACK, it's Professor Javier Boleyn--he wants to talk to you." Jeesh, this could only be bad news for me.

"I'm with you, Professor, Jack D'Mestiere here. In the flesh..." I knew I shouldn't have said it as soon as I heard me say it. Talk about stepping into it.

"Yes, and still too much flesh, Jackie-boy. But we'll get to that shortly."



"Are you near a computer, LARD!-butt--I mean Jackie-boy?" "I am, Professor." "Good, log in to your personal page at http://2stepduhdiet.com." "I have a personal page?" "Of course, Jackie-boy. I provide all the latest expected services, even though people don't need them, nor do they use them once they have them. Are you there?" "It's asking me for a UserID and password." "Jackieboy, no hyphen, and LARDbGONE, all caps except the b." "OK, I'm there. Wow, what's that map?" "That, Jackie-boy, is a plot of all the walking you did in February--well, it doesn't show two walks while you were on travel, but they were insubstantial. I must say, Jackie-boy, you walked a lot this month. 98.02 miles, to be exact! Congratulations, you really did 'Move More', one of the two critical steps."



"Wow, Professor, how do you do this?" "Space age technology, my child. I know your every movement thanks to the Transpond-r-Nuts (® Boleyn Enterprises) that I have Fiora slip into the bag of tamari almonds you keep at hand. Thankfully, you generally gobble them down so quickly you don't bother to chew--molars can be harsh on the little gadgets. Yes, Jackie-boy, the Boleyn's-Eye-View (® Boleyn Enterprises) satellite cluster records your location, pin-pointed by GPS and maps it using a patented Google Earth (® Google, Inc.) based application, Where's My LARD! (® Boleyn Enterprises). I see you waddled by a freezing fountain at NW 10th and Everett--isn't that the Lawrence Gallery (© Lawrence Gallery)? That's a coincidence..."



He continued, "Now, speaking of LARD!, how goes it? You're still looking a bit like a fluffed up gull on a cold day." "Well, I, er, I, um, er, I lost about 5 pounds of LARD! in February." I waited for the inevitable... "Well, I echo the words of Dr. Rachel S. Graves, MD, Jackie-boy. Good Start. Keep it up. You'll get there. And, by the way, now's a good time to pay your monthly membership fee. I accept PayPal (Copyright © 1999-2011 PayPal. All rights reserved.) at http://2stepduhdiet.com



"Oh, by the way, your Cap-Corder (® Boleyn Enterprises) recorded this little number while documenting a distinct increase in the pace of your waddle. Care to enlighten me?" "First glimpse of Radio Room (®©™ Radio Room), of course." "Groan. Keep it up LARD!-ass. I'll be calling again soon."

Dispatch from the Beluga Slim Fitness Center: Going & 11th Could be a Geaux for the Devereaux

Ever since I decided to join the Beluga Slim Fitness Center ©2011 D'Mestiere Investigations, daily exercise has become inviolate. Believe it or not, my motivation is even enhanced since I invented Shanks Mare Realty ©2011 D'Mestiere Investigations. Today was no exception. Dolly-girl handed me an order to fill at the grocers and I was off.






While waddling along, I spied this at the corner of Going and NE 11th. It has a great AASDF--Alberta Arts Striking Distance Factor ©2011 Shanks Mare Realty and D'Mestiere Investigations--of 8.76 (where 1 is far away or within the nuisance factor) and 10 is 6 blocks away, meaning that you get some exercise going there. It's Radio Room Quotient ©2011 Shanks Mare Realty and D'Mestiere Investigations --Time in minutes it takes to walk to Radio Room/Time in minutes it takes to consume a beer--is 0.25 which is outstanding. Now, I don't know the details other than someone is trying to sell it and there's an open house tomorrow, but it's a place I could see Claudette and Delancy setting their brake.



Anyway, today I was good. I waddled 4.1 miles. Unfortunately, I forgot my water bottle ;) so I had to stop along the way. I sidled up to the bar in a joint--an unfamiliar movement for me. "Could I just get a glass of water?" "Sorry, we're out." "Club soda?" "Don't carry it." "Tonic?" Do I look British?" "Wail, I'm sooo thirsty." "Well, in front of you stands a DTM." "DTM?" "Doctor of Thirst Mitigation. May I be of service?" "Well, Doc, I know you aren't Dr. Rachel S. Graves, MD, but what's your prescription?"

He looked me up and down, headed to his work area, and was back in a flash. "Rx: IPA x H2O" "Whatha?" "An innovative and pleasant alternative to water. Thanks for having your prescription filled at Radio Room!"

Waddling Towards Fitness: Relax=Relapse...

[singsong] Do-do-do-do-do; do-do-do-do-do-do. "What tha? It says Professor Javier Boleyn wants to have a video chat?"

"Professor?" "Jackie-boy, glad I caught you in." "Professor, I never expected..." "Never expect anything from me, Jack. However, I sense my reputation is at stake and I must intervene." "How so, Professor? Didn't you see the wonderful results of my visit to Dr. Rachel S. Graves, MD?" Indeed, I did, Jackie-boy. That's why I'm calling. I can assure you that whatever mild encouragement the good doctor offered, you have exceeded its intention."




"Well, wait just a goll-durned minute here, Professor..." "No, you wait, Jackie-boy. What did you have for dinner on Friday after your visit to the good doctor?" "Pasta." "And?" "And nothing. Pasta. Not much of it and one serving." "And...a mote of bread, Jack. The dining room cam recorded it." "Dining room cam?" "Seems that you had a Coffee Crisp as well." "It is the world's best candy bar...light and crispy, coffee and chocolate..." The professor's stern look was not lost in the video chat box.





"And, after grocery shopping at New Seasons on Saturday--by the way, your choices were healthy, although I question the case of wine--the Traffic Cam on Alberta and 27th detected you walking west on Alberta. Did you go to the Radio Room?" "I certainly did not..." "No, that's correct. You went to Mash Tun instead." "OK, so I stopped for a pint." "And?" "And nothing." "If you call nothing, a pint of Total Domination, a taster of FaLaLa, and a glass of the same." "Wha?..." "Tap Cam, Jackie-boy, the Tap Cam recorded it all."







He continued. "The Kitchen Cam recorded the following two scenes later yesterday afternoon. I believe that is your hand holding an olive corn chip..." "I had one...er, two. They're good. Wail!" "And that is clearly your ring finger wrapped around a bottle of Celebration." "Wail! Is there no escaping you?"






"Jackie-boy, Professor Javier Boleyn did not attain his stature by running a lax organization. My reputation is at stake at every turn. It is incumbent upon me to monitor those who accept the 2-Step DUH! Diet as their life style. It's far too easy for some slacker to start claiming that my method doesn't work, so I have an individualized monitoring program for each and every 2-Stepper. For instance, the Boleyn's-Eye-View Cam--that's what I call my patented satellite surveillance system--caught you at 16th and Klickitat on your waddle. Good pace, by the way, you worked up quite a sweat." "And how do you know that?" "The perspiration detection nanofibers in your Kielbasa Festival T-Shirt uploaded to the Boleyn Star Cluster--those are my satellites." "Wail!"



"So let's get back to the matter at hand, Jackie-boy. Last evening, the D'Mestiere Tracking Module recorded you entering and leaving the Portland City Grill..." "Dolly-girl and I went for a drink..." "Yes, you had a martini with, I believe, 4 olives, although it's not clear from the bar cam. Fiora had white wine." "Well, there's a tough guess." "Don't get snippy, Jack. It was a sauvignon blanc, New Zealand, if the system is working..."





"You were next spotted waddling into Little Bird, a hip new bistro on 6th. Really, Jackie-boy, walking right in front of the TriMet bus stop cam? You make my job so easy...I continue. The salt-shaker-cam recorded a pork chop with cabbage galette, and a bacon apple relish." "It was delicious." "So I hear. And, white beans and parslied ham salad." "Wait, I split whose with Dolly-girl!" "Yes, I'll give you that." "How do you know?" "After-action report filed by the waitress. Did you really have to pick up the chop bone and gnaw on it, Jackie-boy?" "It was good. I didn't have dessert, though." "Define dessert, Jack. In the 2-Step DUH! Diet, cognac clearly falls in the dessert column." "Wail!"


"Continuing along, as I must do, in spite of your mournful wailing, the Cup & Saucer Cam reported that you and Fiora, possibly accompanied by the Kavanaghs--they are a marvelously trim couple, Jack; I'm glad to see you in their company as perhaps their habits will rub off; I understand they are joining a gym--entered the fabled breakfast, how do you call it?--Joint--and left about 90 minutes later. That's 90 minutes of trouble for you, Jackie-boy." "Wail!"



"I will spare no effort to assure that you do not spoil my reputation with what can only be described as a 'Relax=Relapse Moment', Jackie-boy. That's why I am sending you, at no additional charge, a copy of my latest book: Trundle On: Tales of 2-Step Dieters, personally autographed by my assistant, but with my name."

With that, Professor Javier Boleyn ended the chat and left me to my own wailing. What could I do but head out, waddling towards who knows what. Back to the front in the War on LARD!, but now knowing that my every move is watched and recorded. I'm sure the Radio Room fire pit cam caught me looking longingly as I walked by, but I walked by, determined to soldier on. Wail!

Disbelief on NE 20th Ave: A Visit to the Chief Medical Officer

"Mumph. What tha? What's up, Jack? How come you're getting out of bed so early? You don't have to be at Dr. Rachel S. Graves, MD's office until 9." "I'm walking there--gotta get my carcass moving. I might lose another ounce on the way..."

I headed out. The day was fine, the sidewalk rose to meet my feet, I waddled south at a good clip, and before long, I was outside Sunshine Dairy. Sunshine Dairy has a rotating sign that I like quite a lot. I took a movie of it, but I forgot that I don't know how to rotate Quicktime movies so if you want to watch, you will have to turn your monitor 90 degrees, clockwise. Wait, I heard something was invented...it's called, Technology!

I watched the sign for awhile while I steeled myself to enter the office of D'Mestiere Investigations' Chief Medical Officer, Dr. Rachel S. Graves, MD. It's in the one of the Jantzen Buildings where swimwear used to be designed and constructed. They aren't there any more though. Dr. Rachel S. Graves, MD is.








I entered. After some checking of information, some paying of co-pays, and some sitting and waiting, but not very much of that, I was called. First stop, scale. "Let's have you take off your shoes." 'Yes!," I muttered to myself. I had already transferred the contents of all pockets to my jacket. Looking skyward with a tacit thanks to the Two Bills, and of course, to Professor Javier Boleyn, I stepped on the scale. It beeped, the nurse wrote down a number and showed me to the exam room. Blood pressure--in good shape, as well it should be since I consume 3 different chemicals daily to keep it such. Nurse leaves room. A minute later, nurse comes back. "Is this what the scale read?" "It is." "You've lost weight--over 35 pounds, did you know that?" "Yes, I know," I said smilingly. "Were you trying?" "Yes." "Great!"



Well, keeping a long examination short, and being rather amazed that before the day was out, my test results were in (there's that technology thing again), I can report that Dr. Rachel S. Graves, MD was quite pleased with the results of the War on LARD! and especially with my commitment to continue the battle. She had nothing but praise for the genius of Professor Javier Boleyn, and for my execution of the 2-Step DUH! Diet. Well, she did mention that I am an American and not a Frenchman, and therefore, not entitled to guilt-free consumption of large quantities of wine. "That's OK," I told her, "I can handle guilt..."



Now then, I was feeling so righteous that I decided to waddle the rest of the way to work. I did so and took time to look at some sights, now that I had a certain lilt to my gait, a gift from the flying colors I earned there in the office of Dr. Rachel S. Graves, MD.






I noticed two of many signs advertising the Portland Timbers Professional Soccer (yawn...) Team. I wonder how Soccer Moms and Dads are going to reconcile the safety and inclusiveness of America's Least Favorite Sport, with the advertising campaign that features, for the most part, provocatively-clad young women with implements of destruction such as saws--chain and hand--and axes, and the motto "No Pity in the Rose City!"



Why, I even paused on the Burnside Bridge, vertigo raging, to take a picture of the Steel, Broadway, and Fremont Bridges on what was a great day to be waddling towards fitness.

LARD!-O-Meter Update: The Elusive Half Pail is Mine!

Bringing my total to just over 1.5 pails, 6.08 gallons, 48.64 pints of LARD! gone from missing from my body since August 1! I can't wait to tell Professor Javier Boleyn!