Advances in Wellness: A New Strategy in the War on LARD!

Nervously, my fingers dialed the blower. 1-800-2Bad-4Yu. Lots of clicks as the dial returned to the home position. "Jackie-boy?" "Wha, whatthe? Professor Boleyn, how did you..." "I screen, Jackie-boy, I hate to tell you, but I screen." "Screen?" "A modern technique, Jack. Have Thelma teach you about it." "I thought I would get your service." "Well, every once in a full moon, I take pity on what I would call, but I doubt you would, being one yourself, a pitiful soul. What can I do for you Jackie-boy?"







"Professor Boleyn--Javier, may I call you Javier?" "No, you may not. The only person who sells books by letting people call her by her first name is Oprah! and I am decidedly not Oprah! Continue." "Professor Boleyn, I have embarked on a new Wellness Program! It's part of my War on LARD!..." "Which, if I recall from your tedious blog postings, has been mired for some time, no?" "Yes. That's why I have a new Wellness Program!" "Hmmm, I never realized you had an old one. Continue."







"I decided instead of just sitting home and drinking beer, I would walk to the Radio Room..." "Say, isn't that that hip bar-restaurant near where you and Fiora--what is it you call it? 'Set the Brake'--another quaintness I could do without. What does she see in you, I wonder..." "...and drink a couple beers there and then walk home. It's the Beluga Slim Wellness Program."

"Do I recall correctly that Beluga Slim is retired? And is it not true that he eats one meal a day that consists of air, washed down with water? And further, doesn't he walk 12 miles a day in order to drink 4 beers?" I admitted, all true.





"OK, let me run the numbers on your 'Wellness Program'...OK, I completely approve of your stop at the Radio Room, as I understand its hip appeal, though I'm surprised they let you in the door. Your limit there is 2 alcoholic beverages served in standard quantities--no 'Say, a pitcher of martinis would be 1 drink if I drank it from the pitcher, right?' Here is your prescription."




"Javier...I mean Professor Boleyn, this prescription requires me to walk 13.71 miles before stopping at the Radio Room!" "Well, I don't care if it's before, during, or after, but you must walk 13.71 miles."

"Are you sure? Check the numbers! I walk past 3 gyms, 3 yoga studios, and a Pilates place just on my way there!" "You question Professor Javier Boleyn? OK, hand it over and I'll subject it to my Quality Assurance Program. Yes, yes, yes. Wait, do you pass any restaurants? You do? 3 high end breakfast joints, 2 Italian places, 2 pizza shops, 3 Thai places, an Argentinian place, a Southern bistro, and a French bakery. What, 4 bars, a brew pub, and a biscuit place? A whiskey bar and a vegan restaurant--a wash there...You're right. Here's the corrected prescription. 16.63 miles."






"Wail and whoan. How shall I ever pass muster with Dr. Rachel S. Graves, MD?" "She approves of this calcuation." "What, you and Dr. Rachel S. Graves, MD?" "In league." "Wail!"