Waddling Around Lourdes: The Lifting of the LARD!

Today was the day: I waddled to Lourdes for the Miracle of the Lifting of the LARD! I was in the right place. The lawn at the entry gate held hundreds of crosses brought and planted by groups on pilgrimages from all over Europe and probably beyond. We even recognized some of the pilgrims as I'd almost run them over whilst driving down a very narrow street that they were walking in. Note to other would be pilgrims: Tom Tom GPS doesn't do very well in towns with very small one-way streets and lots of pilgrims. We made it, and so did they, although I have to admit that I couldn't get John "The Duke" Wayne out of my head: "Whoa, take 'er easy there, Pilgrim."




Approaching the entrance to the sanctuaries, which are actually away from the center of Lourdes, there was plenty of tempatation staring me in the face and daring me to give in. "Have a snack, have some frites. It's not too early for a beer in France!" but my will was strong. I knew I could resist and continue the War on LARD! I turned my back on LARDish sin, and waddled towards the Door of Life. Dolly-girl gave my arm a squeeze to let me know that I wasn't alone on my journey.






We headed on in. I was hoping for the entire experience, but it soon became apparent that some pilgrims were more needy than others. All the blue in the picture to the left are people in a sort of wheel chair that is either pulled by a friend or by a volunteer nurse from a local hospital. What you are looking at is the line to get into La Grotte, the spot where St. Bernadette had several visions of the Virgin Mary. These are the healing waters and you can buy all sizes of vessels to have the healing water à emporter.






Inside, there are plenty of ways to fulfill your pilgrimage. For instance, you can get a plastic cup and a small bottle to scoop up the healing waters. The prices are suggestions only--there is no price of admission and no one is turned away.





I visited the relic of St. Bernadette in a side chapel. It was a popular site with many lighting candles. A trio of Italians were trying their best to burn the place down. Unable to kindle their candles from others that were already burning, they lit some facial tissue ablaze and lit their candles from there. It didn't take more than a few seconds to fill the Reliquary with smoke and the smell of burning Kleenex. No one seemed that concerned.




Dolly-girl found a marble foot in the wall and asked it for relief from her unending problems caused by feet that have no padding. I'm hoping that some of my LARD! ends up on her feet.








I'd given up on getting into La Grotte. The line was just too long. Instead, I found a place where I could light a candle to memorialize my pilgrimage. The covered candle spots were all taken, so mine was relegated to an auxiliary, portable candle holder.



I lit my candle and placed it in the rack, murmuring quietly that I hoped all the thousands of candles were made from tallow from LARD! Warriors.

I felt a little better about where my candle was when I saw some employees cleaning out the covered racks to make room for more pilgrim tapers. I guess it's the lighting that's important, not the total burning of the candle. There were also tubs under the racks of candles to collect the wax. I hope they are recycling it into new tapers.






Then I discovered the Lourdes Diet. It has 80 Steps--in each direction! That made me appreciate the simplicity of Javier Boleyn's 2-Step DUH! Diet.

I left Lourdes a lot amazed, and I'm sure, not a pound lighter. I left knowing that the War on LARD! is something I can do for myself. It's fun to talk about the Miracle of the Lifting of the LARD!, but it was sobering to see the thousands, literally thousands, of people who were there, believing, that if they pray hard and long, and if they partake of the healing waters, they will be cured. All I have to do is Eat Less and Move More.

War on LARD! Update: A Visit to the Basilique du Sacré-Cœur,

Something caught my eye in one of them books Dolly-girl was reading before the trip. "Looming overhead, and over all of Paris, is the puffed up excrescence of LARD [emphasis is mine] called the Basilique du Sacré-Cœur." I figured I needed to pay homage to this monument that was built of LARD--what I guess we'd call pork-barrel these days.








I went in. Big signs said NO PHOTOS NO VIDEO and I sure as hell wasn't going to take a chance on God not being on my side in the War on LARD! so I put my camera away and I bought a postcard and took a picture of it to get this shot. I also made a contribution for a candle. I visited all the chapels and decided to light a candle at the statue of Saint Pierre because, frankly, he had a little roll of LARD! that showed through his robe. You will have to trust me on this one--remember, no photos. I also bought the official collectible medallion to use as an additional talisman. On to Lourdes!

War on LARD! Update: Paris and the BIG TEST!

I've been away from a scale now for almost a week and I have no quantitative update for you. I've been behaving myself--in fact, I think I've done incredibly well considering I'm in Paris-freakin'-France and every other door you walk by has enough butter fumes coming out of it to mettre un sourire gigantesque sur le visage de Pfizer. Today, I passed the toughest test of all. We were walking in Mouffetard section of Paris where there are literally a ton of challenges. OK, so I did have a gelatio (without the cone) at what is supposed to be the best shop in Paris. But, I walked past this shop 4 times. I photographed it. I smelled it. I translated the menu. Rotisserie chicken with potatoes. And look at those potatoes! They are roasted and then left to bath in the drippings from the chickens as they roast. Maybe it's not too late to run over there...

Hold On Just a Minute There...

I waddled back from the fitness room real excited this morning. Dolly-girl was still asleep and, turns out she was in no mood to chat. I let her be for awhile while I went out for a walk. I was so light on my toes I couldn't believe it. I was taking the Javier Boleyn's 2-Step diet seriously.

When I got back, she was awake and reading. "What's got you tripping the light fantastic, Jack?" "Well, you know, yesterday was a long one, and I didn't eat much, and then there's the whole praying for the lifting of the LARD thing, but this seems too good to be true. I weighed myself down in the fitness room, and it says 113. That means I lost over 140 pounds on the flight over!"




She looked over Marcel Proust and under the wave. "Correct me if I'm wrong, Jack, but didn't you tell me something about the metric system?" "Oh, yeah. Well, I said it was too good to be true. But I'll tell you, it's sure going to be hard to stay on the DUH! Diet with a Boulangier on every corner and tasty fromage stacked up like cod...

Goal #1--ACHIEVED!

Check the LARD-o-meter, please! I've reached the half pail and then some! When I started this War on LARD, my goal was to lose a Bill Clinton before leaving on vacation. As you may recall, Bill trimmed off 15 pounds before Chelsea's wedding. I boldly declared, "If he can do it, so can I!" And I did!










I dedicate this post to the two Bills. Bill Clinton, my initial inspiration, and Bill Nighy, my talisman who sings in my ear,

"I feel it in my fingers
I feel it in my toes
The LARD that's all around me
And so the waistline grows"

And, thanks, of course, to Javier Boleyn and his revolutionary 2-step DUH! Diet!





Drum roll, please!

Nineteen plus pints of LARD gone from my LARD-ass body! That's 2.4 gallons of the stuff!

Waddling Towards Fitness: Closing in on Half a Pail!

Close call today! I stopped at Caffe Viale's new street-side coffee joint on 5th at Salmon. Very cool--built into an old (vintage 1970s) Tri-Met Bus Shelter. As is the case when one is fighting an insurgency, a minuscule lapse can be dangerous. Yes, I was attacked by an IFD--Improvised Fattening Device. A pasty tried to jump into my mouth, but, being ever vigilant, I fended it off with a series of lightning-quick jujitsu moves. It fell harmlessly, for me, into the hands of the next-in-line. But, for those of you who aren't battling LARD!, Caffe Viale has the best soup and panini in town for my Lire! And friendly people, too!

As of today, I've shed 1.71 gallons of LARD!, earning me 13.7 pints and putting me in striking distance of my next 1/4 pail. I hope to update the status board soon!